Many of these are currently considered illegal, and they are all fictional or my name isn't Dick R. Brettman.

"Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems" - H. Simpson

I.   Drive el Festiva loco to 8 Barrel and Easy E's pad for a fix up party for Mrs. Starfire's girlfriend Shelly.  You were always hot for Shelly because, well, she was the only one left and maybbe she was desperate. Shelly proved at 8 & E's wedding that she would rather puke on you than sleep with you.  The other 1/2 of the equation is that coworker of 8 Barrel who is thin, very neat and single (so this may be a pointless exercise).

Drink WAAY too much and leave sometime after dark.  Back at the girlfriend's apartment, your beer-fueled "boinkathon" will be interrupted by an untimely call from Mom.  The police have called her, because they found your car in a rather awkward spot,  noticed it has been involved in an accident, and they are somewhat curious as to why you are not around.

The police suspect alcohol was a factor.

...

...

...

Oh, yeah, important missing detail.  You WALKED back to the apartment.  Some drunken idiot from the bar down the street must have gotten loaded and totaled your parked car while you were miles away, and then drove off.

When you finally meet with the cops, make a bunch of idiotic threats against this unknown pinhead.    Cops love that.  Especially when you start quoting Hanover Fiste from Heavy Metal. When the cop and (later) the insurance guy bitch about you parking in the street, remind them that you could have hopped behind the wheel, so they should just STFU about a possible parking ticket that didn't happen

P.S. Walking several miles to the apartment in the middle of the night through the poor/industrial part of town while drunk is really freaking stupid.  Strangely, it will not seem so bad at the time.

II.  Trek to TBJ on a Friday night.  Assistant Scoutmaster Darrell *Michael Jackson* Shithead, the future protective custody inmate you know won't bring the young guys until tomorrow.  Stop at Shifty Takers and buy one of everything in the liquor department.  Watch in detached amusement as the SOF novices repeat the drinking mistakes you have already made (like consuming too goddamned much), or are doomed to make (like tempting and spiting SoCo, the angry god of pain and hangovers). 

Drive to a golf course so some guy you just met can go scuba the water hazards for golf balls. Your friend Heffery can marvel at someone like Starfire's driving skill (and never live it down).  But don't fuck with him, because he knows karate.  He now knows daquiris (what an amateur) better than he ever wanted. 

If you're Starfire, you should, at some later point, drink a pint of Black Velvet then go hike in the woods.  In the middle of the night.  Without a map.

As a courtesy to those who are likely to be praying for death when they wake up, bring a French horn so you can scare the newbies with the sounds of escaped, rampaging circus elephants.  The victims of vodka, SoCo, schnapps and pre-mixed daquiris will thank you. Or kill you, depending on how close you stand.

III.  While out with friends, go to a Stop-n-Rob (any convenience store will do).  If you are ready early, hop in the car and park behind the car wash next door.  When your friends come out, they will think they were abandoned.  Blast the brights and tear over to them, where they will jump in quickly, thinking you are a psycho who will strand them if they don't dive in through the windows.  They are exactly correct.

Speed off in a hail of gravel and tire smoke.  Pull over immediately, 100 yards later, for that cop who materialized on your rear bumper 3 seconds after this retarded stunt.  Have Pod or somebody hide the quarts of Miller between his pant legs, while you explain to the cop why you are all just sober teenage idiots playing around, and that, no, you did not just rob that store (because all of this is true, for once). 

IV.  Remember that store because they are lax about carding people.  Be an idiot by trying to buy when the manager is there.

V   Go to a different store in the same chain, near the college.  When you're carded, show your *I'm only 18* license.  The clerk is having a bad night and will sell to you anyway.

VI.  Try this at the drive through liquor store.  The clerk is not carding, so get everybody a buzz unit (a quart of Miller).  Leave and go to Burger King, where you will quickly realize that one buzz unit was simply not enough.  Go back to the DTL, where the manager has now shown up.  Two lessons:  buy everything you need the first time you get away with it; and *you just sold to us 30 minutes ago* is never a persuasive argument to make to a guy who's about to get his ass fired for doing it.

VII.  Be an unnamed couple of friends who go to Bilbos for beers.  At some point, be in the restroom at the same time that one of the partitions between the urinals becomes detached from the wall.  Explain to the manager and the cops he called how there was a strange disturbance in the Force, or a Taco John's seismic gas event that must have caused the situation.  Good luck with that. 

Remember what a good idea it seemed to be at the time when, years later, you have to disclose and explain all arrests, interrogations and investigations ever conducted by the police.

VIII.  Go watch an intramural soccer game at 10:00 at night.  See if you, inspired by the legendary exploits of ****** possess the brute strength necessary to yank a urinal partition from the wall, replicating the still-unexplained event described above.  Curiously enough, you are strong enough.  Learning from the example of your less experienced reprobate friends, resist the urge to smuggle it out of the building and *hide* it in a stall instead.

IX.  *Borrow* fire extinguishers (the refillable water kind) from a reliable source for those sorts of things.  Perhaps some building across from a park where people smoke (or in your case, occasionally drink) their lunches.  Pump these devices up to 150 PSI (from the recommended 20).  5 gallons spewed in 5 seconds.  (Maybe less.)  You know what to do with this +20 dork damage weapon, just like you know what to do when you see a puddle and a pedestrian nearby.  If water gets too boring, throw a little buttermilk in there.  Or Tang.

Important notes: 

buttermilk will stain hoods and dashboards forever;

green trucks that follow you from the repository of replacement extinguishers following an acquisition may just be a coincidence.

a Buick Skylark that races up behind you right after a *mission* at Rollerworld IS following you, and for good reason, since it is like 30 degrees out. Relax, he will lose his nerve.

So will some clown that eavesdrops on your CB conversations about him over by Pod and Dribble's house.

When a university service officer catches you reloading your active terrorist repellant system before entering the campus, that is a good time to turn around and leave.  ("ABORT!  ABORT!")

X.  The Rollerworld parking lot is a great place to write *wash me* on the trunk of a Camaro on your way to some postgame pizza.  Especially when there is a passenger still sitting in the car (aka a redneck car alarm?).  She will call the cops.  Bitch.  John Law will call you out in front of your friends to tell you that you are an idiot.

Variations: 

a.  Karate kick a freshly painted wall, so your drafting teacher can pull you out of class to apologize to the dumb fuck janitor that has to repaint your footprint.  Wait - you are the dumb fuck. 

b.  Walk the mall parking lot looking for cars with keys in them.  For some reason, this is attractive to you in a Dodge Duster/Lincoln Town car/Coupe DeVille/Skylark/Ranchero sort of way.  Maybe you will just repark whatever candidate you find on the other side of the mall.  That's not stealing any more than shoving magazines under your coat but not getting out of the store before you're busted is stealing.  Finally find one and get up close enough, while those wheels are turning in your head to come up with a plan, to notice that the driver of that Cadillac Seville is still in the car.  Looking at you. D-ooh!

(Run.)

c.  Go to the brown ugly Center Plaza thing to acquire a copy of Playboy.  FOR THE ARTICLES.  If the clerk is looking at you, tell your friend *he's looking at us.*  That definitely will not make the clerk come right over to ask why you said *he's looking at us* or ask what in THE hell you are doing.

Later, when you somehow acquire that 25th anniversary Playboy, rip the cover off so that passers-by will have absolutely no idea that the magazine with the centerfold you are gawking at in the middle of a downtown park is a Playboy

XI.  Have staple gun fights.  Never, for as long as you wish to be alive, have a nail gun fight.

XII.  Stick your head out the window and yell "Oi" at every Pinto you see.

XIII. Stop at one of those Stuckeys on the side of the highway that has been converted to a wine store by one of the area vintners.  This will seem more logical if you have been drinking Kamikazes in a bar in suburban Detroit for a while first.  This store gives samples, and you are not quite particular, so sample every single type and flavor of wine they have.  Try not to hit your head on the traffic TC is overtaking as you hang out the back window of an Isuzu Trooper at 70 mph.  You have IMPORTANT MESSAGES for the terrified and bemused drivers behind you, if they would only learn to speak babble.

XIV.  Definitely do not try to sneak into camp with Bagman, Starfire and Yoko when your mom thinks you're camping, but that future protective custody inmate you know thinks you're not.  Certainly, don't drive right by him.  (He probably won't see you when he looks right at you.) 

The fact that Starfire brought his girlfriend does not have any significance to your immediate social life, any more than in the future when she and Jane both get a good look at your junk, so put that idea right out of your head. (This is BK Jane, not that psycho bitch your Dad remarried.) 

Going for a late night hike after *hiding* the car is a great way to kill time before the sheriff deputies arrive to yell at you for trespassing.  What will really make this night complete is when it's 4 am, you're driving on fumes, stone cold sober and some Buford T. Justice stops you for a burned out headlight and tries to coerce you into admitting a DUI.  Because you are so damn sexy, you get to sleep in the big car with Bagman, and not the Mustang-Pinto with Yoko and Starfire.  In the middle of a softball diamond across the street and about 100 yards away from where you got busted the first time this night.

Darrell *Michael Jackson* Dickhead, the future protective custody inmate, will narc to your mom that, no you were not on a campout.  Try explaining this to Moms, but leave out the part about trying to score beers and wishing to bat lead off in a gang bang .  Because she is in the middle of a divorce and Dickhead is aptly named, she will let you slide, if only because you were not arrested.

The awkward explanation to Mom and a bullshit *hearing* in front of parents that are pissed at you, but who loathe pissy little Dickhead more, is just icing on a night of shit.

XV.  Despite what your drunken penis-brain tells you, that girl on the hysterical geology road trip to Niagara Falls is NOT hot for you.  She's just trying to get you out of the room so another couple can hook up.  Don't worry, you DID offend her.  And, no, she doesn't have any cigarettes you can bum at 3 am, but pound on her door for 10 minutes just to make sure.